“Even if I get up and do a routine that goes from
enjoyment to anxiety – it always feels like something
is happening for the first time.”
INNER CITY STORIES
Anxiety is something that is really hard to deal with. Every day I wake up and things are difficult. Tests stress me out more than anything and talking to people in simple conversation is the worst. Anxiety disorder is a real thing and it is a real hard thing.
Anxiety was the worst for me in sixth grade because of the new school and not knowing anyone there. It was hard to make friends so in sixth grade I only talked to about five different people, or at least tried to. That is not me. I'm not a shy person. I am a confident person, but there is this little monster sitting on my shoulder. Sometimes he is so huge that I can't stand up because he is pushing me down, and sometimes he is so small and I feel so strong that I can say anything. This monster has devilish red eyes and claws that dig into my heart and soul on the worst days. High school has definitely made this monster a little larger. The hallways are the worst for me because I hope that no one will talk to me or crowd me too much. But then I think stupid things like, "Oh no one would talk to you anyways because you're not cool." That's the anxiety monster taking over my thoughts for sure.
It’s almost like this devil sitting on my shoulder takes over my body. He talks for me. He acts for me. Sometimes he even writes for me. I let him take over because I am too scared to go against him. I physically can’t control this devil and it is really frustrating. He gets so big that he literally weighs me down. It feels like I can’t get up or do anything and it feels like I’m not in control. I don’t tell people about this because he would never let me, but it is getting really hard to handle him on my own. He is growing up. He is getting stronger. Sometimes I feel like he must be going to the gym because he is as strong as Zeus. He used to be easy to control but these days I feel like a kitten fighting a bull. It’s just not working.