"Growing up I did not, ever, feel contained. I never felt the
four walls of my room or my apartment or my town or my
culture close around me; I never knew the feeling of the extended womb.
My parents did not hold me tight, but encouraged me to go.
They did not buffer, protect, watch out for, or look after me.
I was watered, fed, admired, stroked, and expected to grow.
I was mostly left alone to discover the world and my place in it."
Black, White and Jewish: Autobiography of a Shifting Self
INNER CITY STORIES
I think the worst thing is when you realize deep in your heart that nobody will ever understand you. In reality everyone is busy trying to understand themselves. No matter how you want to be seen, people will always have their own image of you. They will mishear, misunderstand, and misinterpret your words. These days I never expect people to understand me; not everyone will think the same way I do and I've learned to accept that. I try to keep my thoughts locked up inside, but sometimes it's nice to talk to someone about the crazy things that go through your head. Even if they don't understand you, just having someone who will be there and listen to your problems really helps. I'm misunderstood. Most of the time I don't even understand myself. One minute I'm happy and smiling, then the next minute I feel dead inside, as if I was drained of my happiness. I feel like sadness has completely taken over my body. But I still manage to keep a smile on my face.
Sadness means suffering in silence. It's something that comes and goes as it pleases, which we’ll never fully understand. I'm usually surrounded by people I love, and people who love me, yet still inside I feel all alone, for reasons unknown. As a young girl I feel like I’m going through too much too early. I find myself stressing about things I shouldn't be stressing over. Look in my eyes and hear what I'm not saying; my eyes speak louder than my voice ever will. But I don't want people to see me as someone who's always depressed and sad. There are things that make me happy. Like this boy who has been in my life for a while. I absolutely adore him; I admire everything about him, like his mind and the way he thinks. He's different from other people I have met. He always makes sure I'm feeling well, and I'm very thankful for having him in my life. Even if it doesn't last I'm still willing to stick around and take this adventure with him. Nobody will ever understand why he means so much to me. Seeing him happy makes me happy.
My sister makes me happy as well. I like being around her because she always seems to make me laugh with her stupid jokes. The room gets brighter when I'm around her. I believe she's my soulmate, but in a friendship type of way. I feel like we were meant to meet each other in this life and keep each other on the right path. Music makes me happy. Music has a way of expressing how you feel when you can’t explain your emotions. It's unique. I can be happy. I'm not sad or upset all the time. But as you can see from what I'm saying, my emotions change a million times a day. Nobody will ever understand. I'm misunderstood.