“The problem with being a modern woman,
I thought, as the front door swung wide,
is that you have to pretend to be stronger than you are.”
― DARCEY STEINKE, Suicide Blonde
INNER CITY STORIES
I would like to do a self-reflection of myself. I know I’ve grown mentally during the year and now I just need to reflect upon myself.
Ok, so I’ll start in the summer. That was a real tough time for me. Breakdowns almost every day. I was in a constant state of, “I hate myself. Why am I still alive? No one will care if I kill myself. I’m just a fat flop; I wanna be like the models.” I used to be ashamed to tell people I cut and starved myself. I hated leaving the house and I would rarely talk to anyone. And if I made plans with people, it wouldn’t work out or I’d just be quiet the whole time. I always thought my friends were annoyed with me. I would end up going on those anon websites where you can talk to strangers. As always, the girls wouldn’t want to talk to girls so I’d always end up talking to guys. Bad idea. They would only try to make me feel better so they could maybe get nudes. I wasn’t stupid to send any pictures. When I told them no, and how could they even ask that after I said I have body dysmorphia, they’d either say I was ugly anyways or they’d try to bribe me by sending vulgar photos of their lower brains. I ended up blocking all of them and I stayed off those websites. I guess I was looking for someone who actually cared. A few of those guys tried to message me again, but I just ignored them.
If there’s one thing that stuck in my mind from the summer it was when I went down to get a water bottle after a mental breakdown, one where I came really close to ending my sorry excuse of a life, and the Polish TV was on. They were talking about a girl named Agatha, who was 14. And she had commit suicide. I almost dropped my water bottle and my mouth just fell open. Being a Catholic, I took it as a sign from God. Just imagine seriously contemplating suicide and then seeing people on TV talk about someone with your exact name, age, and ethnicity who actually went through with it. It was sad, really. Family and friends were saying how she appeared so happy and didn’t seem like the type to commit suicide.
Now for the beginning of the school year. I got better, in a way. I didn’t get breakdowns as often. I had social anxiety when walking in the halls. People were scared to talk to me because apparently I looked like an asshole who hates everyone. There was this guy I talked to during the summer and I guess he was my first love and we got to see each other. He made me feel special and all that, but he was just a passing fancy. I used to be mad at him. Now, I understand some of the stuff he said. Because he said some real things. How I can’t depend on people to make me happy and I need to live my own life. I frequently want to message him and thank him, but it's pointless to me now.
Come around two weeks into November, I started being a bit more “I don’t really empathize with people's’ emotions.” I got my first boyfriend who had suicidal tendencies as well, but when he told me things like, “Promise me you’ll find someone better,” meaning he was going to kill himself, I didn’t feel much (it could be the fact I didn’t have feelings for him), but I wasn’t about to tell him I didn’t care, because on a level I did, so I just said some generic crap. Also, me being the “don’t give a damn” person I am, I broke up with him, through text, on Thanksgiving. I finally figured I wasn’t going to keep the “relationship” up because 1) No feelings and 2) I went to a concert the day before and instantly clicked with the guy who is now my boyfriend.
Things have been better since the end of November. I know that most of my depression is gone, my anxiety has calmed itself, and I don’t self-harm; some of my body dysmorphia is still there, but I can deal with it. I have widened my range of music slightly, and my style in clothing has changed and so has my makeup. At some point between January and now, I realized I am gender-fluid, meaning I don’t identify as either gender, so I dress how I am feeling each day. I also know what I like and don’t like. I am more carefree, which can be good or bad. Take your pick.
If you were to ask me if I would change my past, I wouldn’t. I believe everything happens for a reason. I won’t change my past to ruin my future. I can only look forward and not dwell on my past demons.